The Hankerchief Society is devoted to the praise and promotion of that most useful and most shamefully forgotten object, the handkerchief. We pledge to restore the handkerchief to its rightful place in any civilized society.
Mr. & Mrs. Jose M. Lenz, proud handkerchief users and great-grandparents of the founder of the Handkerchief Society.
Uses for the handkerchief. Blowing one's nose. Coming to the aid of a weeping lady. Surrendering. Making a (small) tourniquet. Cleaning up a spill. Reducing one's carbon nose-print. Disposing of semi-masticated food morsels discreetly. Robbing banks. Being a dandy. Fainting. Covering sneezes and coughs. Wiping one's brow. Signaling erotic preference. Using as a napkin while traveling. Using as a hand towel, or in lieu of toilet paper, in an understocked public bathroom. Making a Molotov cocktail. Blindfolding a man condemned to die by firing squad. Tying one's belongings to a stick before running away from home as a child. Opening a door while working as a private detective. Rendering someone unconscious with ether. Waterboarding. Performing magic tricks. Signifying gang membership. Killing insects. Cleaning shoes before a business meeting. Opening jars and bottles. Using as a rag. Creating plot devices.
Handkerchief tips. Use only 100% cotton handkerchiefs. Linen handkerchiefs are too expensive, and are less soft on the skin than cotton. Polyester blends are also rough on the skin and almost impossible to iron. White handkerchiefs are the best. Colored handkerchiefs look strange or eccentric, and are more difficult to clean. Use a clean, ironed handkerchief every day.
How to iron a handkerchief. Fill the iron with water, and set the it to the highest temperature. Never iron a polyester handkerchief; it will melt. Flatten out the handkerchief on the ironing board with your hand. Pass the iron over the handkerchief, pressing the steam button if your iron has one. Use the water spray function if your iron has one as well. Do not use starch, as it will render the material too rough and stiff for comfortable use. Move the iron back and forth, removing the wrinkles. Fold the handkerchief in half and pass the iron back and forth again. Repeat this until the handkerchief is the normal sized square.
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